I'm neither for nor against apathy

So, been a while since I wrote here, frankly haven't really had much to say. Vacation is over, spent 3 days out of 5 at work this week. Two on sick leave as getting rather tired mentally for one reason or another. Yesterday I then bought me sticks for skating and started on a over 20km journey to a friend's place, ran out of strenght half way through and by pure will I made the rest of it. Once arriving I was ordered to the shower the instant, given coffee and told that I'm staying for the night. Now it's morning then and here I am typing out this entry and waiting for porridge. Haven't taken my evening or morning meds and feel like an addict without his/her dose. My thoughts are going all over the place, have to keep a leg or a hand or anything moving in order not to blow up. I'm all trembling and twitchy, supposed to go talk to my shrink today and go through how I'm feeling and all. She'll get her load of things with the way I am at the moment... hopefully the sedatives will work before that...
I want someone in my life. I want someone to talk to, someone to cuddle up to and feel safe. Antti's in town again. Wanting to go see him, even though I can't get him to sober up and there'd likely be a moment in the evening when I break up and he gets upset over it. Just wanting human contact, though doubting if I should make others suffer with me.
Funny how things work. Here I am pretty muchly going out of my mind, but the instant these people show up in this computer room I go calm and behave "normally", like a person is supposed to. I shouldn't do that, I don't have to do that here, these people know me, but that part of me is already so automated that even I cannot turn it off. As long as I got strenght I'll act the moment I come face to face with someone... sad really...