I'm neither for nor against apathy

I don't know what's with me again. Taking quick sedatives to get numb. My feelings tell me that I am stupid, that I'm worthless. Why should anyone want to spend time with me when they have their own life. I should not bother people. I'm not worth it. My mind tells me that it's the depression speaking, that I should not listen to such things, I should not feel them, but my whole body does. I want to take enough of the meds to get me in the state where I'd just... be... numb in the warmth, staring at a candle flame. I take two though as should not really take more. I'm still a worthless little shit. No one answers me when I reach out, I guess they're smart not to.