Wednesday, June 28, 2006
My mind is a tangled mess I can no longer unvwind
So I've been silent for some time, I could like and say that I've been thinking and doing important things, but basically what I've done is sit 14 or even 16h on the computer, grinding levels in WoW.
This morning I visited the nurse that has some special education in psychology or something. Second visit to her as I forgot the one that was meant to be last week, since I was grinding in WoW. She managed to make me think and poked at some really rather painful spots, it'd seem, as I had to spend half of the time swallowing and fighting back my feelings. Was talented of her and stupid of me to keep it all down, atleast could have said something.
I knew that stepdaddy would visit in the afternoon, so was hoping that I could unwind and speak to him instead, cry, do whatever is needed, but I just sat there, chatting of insignificant junk. I'd rather have needed to curl up close to someone safe and cry. He was there, but I couldn't.
The topic os from an X-Files episode I just watched, spoken by a man whom they claim has the same illness as me, but make it look all wrong, still, that's the way I feel at times. Also there's a mention of him stopping his meds since "they cloud my mind". I feel the same, though it's not my mind, it's my feelings. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. I'm supposed to open up and let my feelings run free, while I heat medicine to keep them in hold.
Again I'm just typing, rambling about anything that happens to pop in my mind. I should do this when he next visits, just open my mouth and speak, not think about a thing, just let it all flow out. He's not gonna visit for a while though as it's summer vacation coming up and they'll go sailing with his wife and on vacation he can't exactly visit me without his wife going up the walls. Why are the extremely religious always so batshit insane? I wish he could visit, I wish I would have opened up. I dunno even why I still bother calling him stepdaddy, really, he's more a father than my own one is. He is my father, has been for over a year. Kept me safe and listened to my idiocy when I'm down and stories when I feel better.
And after all this I just wanna be held by someone dear to me. Him, Riku, a friend. Gods I miss Riku, I wish having him by my side as I sleep. On the sofa, watching a movie together.
I'm so tired and it feels like there's no one there. No one I could lean on to for support when I'm running out of strenght myself. I wish I had a pegleg.
This morning I visited the nurse that has some special education in psychology or something. Second visit to her as I forgot the one that was meant to be last week, since I was grinding in WoW. She managed to make me think and poked at some really rather painful spots, it'd seem, as I had to spend half of the time swallowing and fighting back my feelings. Was talented of her and stupid of me to keep it all down, atleast could have said something.
I knew that stepdaddy would visit in the afternoon, so was hoping that I could unwind and speak to him instead, cry, do whatever is needed, but I just sat there, chatting of insignificant junk. I'd rather have needed to curl up close to someone safe and cry. He was there, but I couldn't.
The topic os from an X-Files episode I just watched, spoken by a man whom they claim has the same illness as me, but make it look all wrong, still, that's the way I feel at times. Also there's a mention of him stopping his meds since "they cloud my mind". I feel the same, though it's not my mind, it's my feelings. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. I'm supposed to open up and let my feelings run free, while I heat medicine to keep them in hold.
Again I'm just typing, rambling about anything that happens to pop in my mind. I should do this when he next visits, just open my mouth and speak, not think about a thing, just let it all flow out. He's not gonna visit for a while though as it's summer vacation coming up and they'll go sailing with his wife and on vacation he can't exactly visit me without his wife going up the walls. Why are the extremely religious always so batshit insane? I wish he could visit, I wish I would have opened up. I dunno even why I still bother calling him stepdaddy, really, he's more a father than my own one is. He is my father, has been for over a year. Kept me safe and listened to my idiocy when I'm down and stories when I feel better.
And after all this I just wanna be held by someone dear to me. Him, Riku, a friend. Gods I miss Riku, I wish having him by my side as I sleep. On the sofa, watching a movie together.
I'm so tired and it feels like there's no one there. No one I could lean on to for support when I'm running out of strenght myself. I wish I had a pegleg.
# posted by dragonrat @ 10:35 PM 
