Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Had Daddy visiting for a bit longer than usual today. Was a bit silent at first, but we then managed to start speaking about things. Or rather I managed to open my mouth. I have not yet dealt with my feelings on loosing Uuno. I just keep swallowing all those feelings and trying to go on. I can cry, but I won't let it all through. I just hold on to him. Can't loose him. He'll stay in my memories, but I don't want to let him go and fade to those.
I am trying to work on a possible life. Leaving the computer alone most of the time and just doing sports and other smater stuff. I wish I had someone to live with though. Happiest days of my life are something I can't return to. Shouldn't think about the past anyway, no reason living for it when there could be a nice future ahead.
I'm sad now. I do not wish to be alone, but I don't know what the hell else I can do.
Friend was supposed to come and meet me, tomorrow or thursday. Apparently he can't now then. Not met for years now and then this meeting doesn't work out. Makes me rather bitter.
I am trying to work on a possible life. Leaving the computer alone most of the time and just doing sports and other smater stuff. I wish I had someone to live with though. Happiest days of my life are something I can't return to. Shouldn't think about the past anyway, no reason living for it when there could be a nice future ahead.
I'm sad now. I do not wish to be alone, but I don't know what the hell else I can do.
Friend was supposed to come and meet me, tomorrow or thursday. Apparently he can't now then. Not met for years now and then this meeting doesn't work out. Makes me rather bitter.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Have felt terribly restless for a few days now. Can't sit by the computer, no interest for it. Can't focus on a book either nor can I just sit on the sofa an watch TV. Unable to take naps. My head is in a bit of a overdrive, even though there's mostly no coherent thoughts there. I suppose it doesn't sound bad, but gods this frustrates me. The only thing that gives me any release is sports and I've been doing so much of it that my left foot is soon so sore as to stop me from walking even.
Today I've managed to gather my thoughts enough to think about things. Mostly about my life. I don't want to spend it by the computer. Yet I don't know what one should do. I don't wish to drink. Visiting bars is really not that much of a option then. Could start a hobby again, but I don't know if I can keep it up. So small of a attention span nowadays. Do wish I'd get to know new people though. Grown apart from some of my old 'friends'. As one often does. Getting invited to birthday parties and all, but I've no interest to seeing them. Only feeling like I should just go to be polite. Which is no reason to go.
Been trying to think of the moments I was happy in my life. Sadly it goes back to the days which I probably can never have anymore. Cycling, rollerblading, Frisbee and playing with the diabolo and chatting at the same with Riku. I think that's been the happiest time of my life. Could spend a whole day just relaxing. I should face the fact that I've lost him though. Makes me feel rather bitter. Life was good. I don't know what to do to get it such again.
I am lonely and somewhat tired. I have no idea what to do with my life, aside from staying alive. I'd like to find myself. Really get to know myself and be what I am. I'm not sure how to do that either.
Friend of mine said that I appear completely different from this blog to what I am in real life. This comes straight from my heart though. All my feelings and all the angst that keeps me from reading any of my posts after I've posted them. I suppose I should find a way to be what I am here, together with what I am with them. At least I feel like I am myself then as well. Been thinking about his words a lot. Quite interesting in a way, as well as confusing. I wish I were smarter.
Today I've managed to gather my thoughts enough to think about things. Mostly about my life. I don't want to spend it by the computer. Yet I don't know what one should do. I don't wish to drink. Visiting bars is really not that much of a option then. Could start a hobby again, but I don't know if I can keep it up. So small of a attention span nowadays. Do wish I'd get to know new people though. Grown apart from some of my old 'friends'. As one often does. Getting invited to birthday parties and all, but I've no interest to seeing them. Only feeling like I should just go to be polite. Which is no reason to go.
Been trying to think of the moments I was happy in my life. Sadly it goes back to the days which I probably can never have anymore. Cycling, rollerblading, Frisbee and playing with the diabolo and chatting at the same with Riku. I think that's been the happiest time of my life. Could spend a whole day just relaxing. I should face the fact that I've lost him though. Makes me feel rather bitter. Life was good. I don't know what to do to get it such again.
I am lonely and somewhat tired. I have no idea what to do with my life, aside from staying alive. I'd like to find myself. Really get to know myself and be what I am. I'm not sure how to do that either.
Friend of mine said that I appear completely different from this blog to what I am in real life. This comes straight from my heart though. All my feelings and all the angst that keeps me from reading any of my posts after I've posted them. I suppose I should find a way to be what I am here, together with what I am with them. At least I feel like I am myself then as well. Been thinking about his words a lot. Quite interesting in a way, as well as confusing. I wish I were smarter.
