I'm neither for nor against apathy

Yesterday we had a sauna-evening arranged by the workplace. Bus ride to this beautiful sauna cabin at the seaside and free food plus all the alcohol you can drink. So needless to say we were quite drunken. I then spent time with co-workers in town and eventually, once all co-workers had been forced home by their wifes, ended up at Antti's place, drinking a little still and chatting away, it was nice.
Actually had a very nice evening while being social. Shocking. What was not nice was the waking up after less than 3 hours of sleep, the usual shower, brushing teeth etc routine I do when I get home from drinking and when I get up, then I tried to eat. Not a good idea. I've hugged my toilet often today. I got myself a pizza and the last slize I ate of it some two hours ago has actually stayed in. I think my insides have not been this clean in ages.
Had Daddy visiting me, I talked some and he listened. Not been this way around for a longer while. It was nice that he came, was worried that he would not make it. Having a father, a real father whom doesn't go moping and making everyone else around him upset, is good. Helps me in ways I would not have believed. Been lucky to meet him. Should also go meet his missus and go for the sauna there, but I feel that my weekends are short enough as is. This weekend got cut short due to wasting last night out with people. (yes, I know it's not wasted time when one's social, but) Could have instead spent time actually resting and gathering myself up for the coming week at work again.
Ooh yea. And an annoyance. My godfather apparently turned 50 and had a party where he was expecting me to be. So I should travel two days all in all for a few hours. That doesn't really make sense to me. No matter what the occation. Maybe a funeral...

I'm alive.

Today was and is not a very good day. Started somewhat normal, I get up at the first sound of the alarm going off, eat and take the buss to work. Feeling rather tired from the beginning though, but I go and do the welding that needs to do. Keep getting more tired and tired no matter how I focus on work, then the machine starts breaking up, first from the machine itself, then from the handle end. That really gets me heated up to the point of no return. I'm tired, was tired then, went to speak with stepdaddy and couldn't even hold back my tears. Talked to a co-worker as well as he came to joke about me not managing to get those things welded that I was to weld while I was wrestling with the machine. Seeing my state he told me to just try and relax. Try and calm down. Is not like I can then though. Had to call the boss, had to get sick leave for the rest of the week. I am such a fucking loser. I dunno why I have to be like this. I don't want to. I should make it, everyone else does.
From the very beginning this has been a vittusaatanaperkele of a day...

Today was a fairly normal day at work, aside from the fact that I was way too hyper to focus on things and relax for real. Didn't have long enough breaks and so forth. There was also one thing, or rather one person, that managed to tick me off. One old lady at work asked for help from this one person because she was too tired to do the sanding that was needed. Instead of helping, he just walked off. A total arse, he is. Should respect people older than more experienced than you. She's not worked there for 40 years without learning a few things more than he knows. His kind of people really get me angry. But well, I didn't say a thing to him yet, but if he does something as rude as that again, I will let him know just exactly what I think of him.
That's about all the ranting today, I think. Should be enough.

Alright. My knee's still infected. Have to go on welding on my knees though, rather pointless, getting it even more busted, but not like they much care.
Despite whining about the job and so, I like the place. Was standing, watching one of the huge halls and taking in the scenery. Dirty, lots of it floating up near the roof with all the gasses from welding and so. Somehow that was a nice sight to me. It's not fancy, it's not a place where one does clean and boring paperwork. It's a very comfy place though. It's a place where I feel rather relaxed. It's also always a plus that I don't have to wash or fix my work clothes. All in all I will be doing everything I can to keep my job. No matter what I have to do.

Well, today was a normal day at work again, or mayhaps a bit not so as we didn't really have much to do, but the little we had we could stretch over the whole day, so it was fairly relaxing instead of the usual boring.
My knee hurt on friday, as it tends to do at times, but I figured that it'll go away, as usual. Well it was angry through saturday and sunday and today as well. Got some meds for infection and was told not to spend my time on my knees all too much. Bit of a duh, since my work consist mostly of that. Oh well, hoping it might get better with the meds.
That's about all there's to say. Woot and so forth.

I forgot to write here yesterday, not much to mention about the day though. Ordered the last 3 seasons of X-Files to get rid of the urge for them. Oh, stepdaddy did visit me, brought me a book about drawing, pencils and erasers. I'm thinking he's trying to hint at something.
Today, I'm just sitting, wondering. Trying to prepare mentally for tomorrow. That's about it.

Final day of work for the week. I didn't have any breaks aside from the usual coffee and so. Did some welding I'm not that good at and so forth. Left work a bit earlier than I suppose I'm "allowed" to, but I would have left so if they'd count in the extra time I do. Boss came around at some point, or I only noticed him then and he obviously tried to find something wrong with my weld, feeling around for any mistakes and seemed almost disapointed as he didn't find anything wrong with it.
Coming home I managed to force myself to make some food and after eating, surprise surprise, I went and fell asleep on the sofa. Got up a bit later and been playing some WoW with a friend. Thinking that I should go to bed in a bit or atleast pass out in front of the tv.
I managed a week of long days at work. If I manage two more weeks I'll start believing in my chances on actually being able to stay there. Will have a meeting about it next week again. Meh. Now I'm tired.

One more day of work left for the week. Today was a bit annoying. We didn't have much to do, did my job and got odd jobs assigned by boss. That was fine, I got something to do. He kept constantly checking on me though and that started getting annoying. I kept doing the stuff I was assigned. After one with climbing and carrying a heavy welding machine with me etc I had to sit down as I was exhausted and boss came to actually tell me that I'm not allowed to sit down. I dunno, would it have been better had I fainted, did tell him that I'm allowed breaks as well. Got me rather annoyed, exhausted as I was.
I dunno, atleast I have one more day left and then a long weekend to sleep through. I keep passing out at work and when ever I come home I just fall asleep. Yay. Life roolz.

So... another day went by. Worked hard, got to weld one window, which I like as a job and got to leave a bit early to go see one therapist. I suppose I'm doing good at work for the moment. Listening to audio books helps a lot, except that I can't be social as it keeps me from focusing on the story. :P
I got home sometime around half past four, took a shower, ate, started watching X-Files and woke up right now. Wondering if I should prepare my food for tomorrow.
Right now life's not much to write about, just working and sleeping and keeping three diaries. This one, one for work and one for therapist. Of course I also have to report to stepdaddy and his wife. I'm sure they're extremely excited to hear that I sleep constantly.

Another day of work survived. Listening to a book seems to do wonders. Had fresh, clean work clothes when I started the day, 8.5h later I looked like I would have crawled through a chimney. I like the job, but I do not like doing it for free.
One nurse from the workplace hospital called me today to inform that we have a meeting next monday and asked me over for this thursday. I've usually been informative with her, told her how I feel and so, but I'm not going to anymore after I was told that I'm not trying. Screw them, really.
I've been wanting to speak with stepdaddy all through these days and at the same not. I dunno what I would say. I don't really have anything I'd want to say. I think I'd rather want a hug, but that won't happen there as people are nosy and most often wrong.
Well this is me reporting. Over and out.

Well, I survived the first full day of work. Listened to a audio book of the latest Harry Potter book, did some welding, did some standing about bored and some more welding. I dunno what to say. Tiredness caught up with me once I got home and now I've just spent my time on the sofa, watching X-Files. Seems to be all I do, work, sofa and X-Files. I really should start considering my food situation, but meh.

I woke up around nine, guest left now. Thinking of tomorrow, just frightened and wondering if I'll make it. These are bad thoughts of course, they don't much motivate me, but... I can't help the feeling of fear. Now I can relax as she left and really focus on my feelings. First time of relaxing this weekend. I don't know if this whole life is worth all of this. Lonely.

Well, I got my visitor here now. We've spent the evening talking about all sorts of painful things and memories. Made me think, but I guess it's not a bad thing always. Now I'm real tired after hardly any sleep last night. Wondering if to go to bed or not. Will have to soonish once my meds take control, but would have been nice to chat with some friends online. Go for something a bit lighter. Well. Just saying that I'm alive, I guess. Survived hangover with the help of junkfood and a lot of juice. Just tired and lonely...

I have this special knack at getting myself a horrid hangover for the mornings when I absolutely _have_ to clean my apartment. So here I am having a break from going around, feeling like throwing up, feeling dizzy and sweatting like a pig. Luckily my guest has not yet informed on arriving. I've still got time. I wonder why on earth won't I do this the day before and go drinkin after? Gods I feel sick.