I'm neither for nor against apathy

So... plans change a little. I am told that I should try and do a full week and maybe allowed shorter days when returning for this work attempt thingie. Having felt like I have lately, I'm highly doubting I'll survive it that way. Between rock and a hard place right now. I want to return to work, but do I have the strenght to. Recent days tell me no.

Tired. Angry. Not managing anything I start. I dunno what's up with me, but I hate it. That's about all there is to say for now. Really can't seem to think anything aside from the fact that I'm shite. Which I naturally shouldn't believe cause it's "part of the depression". Well fuck that. Shouldn't happen.

So Finland loses in hockey, to swedes of all people. Fuck that. One more reason to be pissed off. Woot. And in a few days I should return to work. At the moment I couldn't care less.

As an answer to the reality TV boom there's this mock commercial of a TV-proggie where the show is about watching grass grow. Well ladies and gentlemen, here's my version of it. See, it grows. I one day it can grow quite a lot. Surprises even me. And yea, I haven't got much of a life.
BF is here for the moment and I just abused him by making him saw my bokken shorter and carve it to the right shape. Now I can pull my blade from my sheat. Whoa man.
Tip, listen to Prodigy if you want to start feeling weird.

Pessimist

When people say "Good Morning"
To them I'd like to say:
"What's so bloody good about it,
It's just another day."

But I smile and nod my head,
More often then as not.
I smile and to myself,
I say "Yes, he's talking rot."

What's so good about today?
It's just a bloody curse.
What's so bloody good about it?
It's damned well getting worse.

Just look at your good sky,
Yes, look in the south.
You tell me they aren't rainclouds-
Just open your bloody mouth!

Good morning is what was said,
That's damned optimistic.
Well I opened my eyes,
And I'm pessimistic.

II

You think of today,
Yes, how good it's going to be.
I think of tommorow,
Bloody miserably.

You wish you were older;
I wish I wasn't born.
You'll wish you were young,
When I'll be growing lawn.

People make a place,
People make a dump.
Go find a building,
Go and bloody jump

Yes, go and find a church,
Go, jump off the steeple.
This place would be great,
If it weren't for all the people.

What are you so happy for?
Don't give me that smile of ooze.
Because in the game of life,
We're all going to lose.

So should I drink or just take sedatives? Bf likely not making it here today. So I could go out drinking with some people I know and I still feel like rebooting myself. These feelings shouldn't be herre though and I dunno what's brought them. I keep trying to eat healthy, I do sports. I do spend time off the computer and still. I guess I partially miss being social and the people I know here will drink and drink a lot, taking two ciders with me means I leave in two hours and that doesnt full the feeling of emptiness. I wish I knew what or who I am.
Oh... and my vacuum cleaner is busted. Whopdedoo

It's actually growing. I haven't managed to drown it or anything. Sure my cats will be eating grass and going "moo". My project continues.

I need a vacation from myself

The more time I spend without getting totally blasted the more I want it. I want a total reboot of my brain, but the doc at work said that I shouldn't do such cause it might affect my recovery from this... whatever it really is. Yet I want to go drink and get myself in to a condition where I don't remember anything the next morning. So it's my sensible side fighting against the "I wanna" feeling. Frustrating really.
Been wanting to draw lately. Clean my bookshelf maybe to make more room for books instead of useless junk. I do sports so atleast I do one thing I enjoy. Can't seem to find motivation for anything and after we've lowered the dosage of this one med my mood is way more likely to swing from one side to the other, but atleast I have feelings, the emptyness I had for a while was horrible.
I'm sitting here. Watching my cats play. Drinking coffee and trying to keep myself from calling a friend and telling him that we'll get drunk _now_. Pathetic, really.

So today. Spent morning doing some sports, practiced with the bokken again. Really keen on iaido which is a wonderful thing as haven't been keen on stuff lately. Took both of the cats out for some fresh air, one at a time though. Savu was very brave and thus I bribed him with some treats. I couldn't get Vilppi even up the stairs, he was just leaning against the door meowing to get back inside, but he tried so he got scratches and praise as well. Feeling quite good today *knocks on wood*. Will see about it after the Finland - USA hockey game though. Hockey for life.

5 days of grinding. Five days from 10am-11pm and he is mine. My Whelp. Mine. Wah. The nerd is content.

So, the yellow ball is new, the orange one has lived 3 weeks with Vilppi and the green one lasted 10 years with our previous cats. I suppose the main thing is that the cat has fun. Still, quite the efficient little critter. And that's about all there is to say about today. Some iaido to practice, some WoW to grind at and that's it. Maybe clean a little if I get extremely bored. Woot for a nerdy life. I did have to walk a long way to get those balls though.

So... In a few days this is to be grass for my cats to eat... Yum... or something. Figured i'd try this as Savu has started eating the wallpapers and that bothers me a little since if the trashes the place I'll have to pay for it. So grass it is for him to chew on.
And in other news, my hand still hates me and I really want to practice with my bokken. Should I be smart or do what calms me? No idea. So I'll just sit and stare at the cats staring at me.
Such a action filled day this is.

Melancholic, tired and in pain. Sums this day. Still grinding in WoW, not that it should surprise anyone. I wish I could just sleep these days away.

Another day, another post. Well, I got up an hour later than I planned to and almost instantly as I got out of bed I got a call from my "stepdaddy" that he'll pop in for a quick visit. Atleast he had fun on my account when I was still trying to wake up and get my eyes open before my first cup of coffee for the day. And he brought me cookies. All in all a very nice visit though a bit early.
Managed to force myself to go to iaido as well, even though was feeling extremely lazy. Was fun, as usual, learned new things that made me go confused, turning around in ways that my legs weren't quite up to. Oh well, more to practice at home.
Now I'm at home, would want something to do with real life for once again, feel like I want something refreshing. Instead I sit by the computer, tired and slightly angsty. Grinding dragons in WoW to get a whelp. It seems I'm one unlucky person for not getting one of them drop. I'm more likely to get a epic item than a whelp. Waah. But like that's important.
Work in two weeks. Yay. And that's about all I have to say. I'm tired, thus things suck. I could just stare at the wall and feel as content as I am with the grinding and chatting with people. Would go and try to kill the air with my bokken, but my left wrist is so sore that it's trembling constantly (I could make a mean milkshake), so no can do. Sit... stare... grind.
Whine edit: And in case I did not make it clear. My wrist hurts like hell. Gah.

I've been trying to get my arse in line, of course. Doing sports, started swimming, which I've now not done for a while and started iaido in the hopes that my knee would be able to deal with it. So far iaido is very pleasurable and I enjoy doing it. Perform kata's at home as they seem to calm me down. Very nice.
Lately I've been working on a project to get the insurance company of where I work to get me on this work test thingie, shorter weeks, shorter days and slowly building up to a full week and now it finally fell through. So two more weeks of sick leave and off to work I go. Feels great and frightening at the same. I try not to stress on how I'll do, but I stress anyway.
I'm meant to keep a diary during this time I am programmed to be fit for work again, so I might be making more entries here as well, who knows.
Today seems to be a date for slight angst, I feel it building up inside me, but seem to just let it come. Listening to music I usually listen to when cycling or doing other sports where one needs energy, now I'm just feeding the angst. I don't exactly know why I'm doing this, but I guess it doesn't matter really.
Lately I've also been feeling like getting totally blasted. I want to get so drunk I don't remember what I've done, but there's the catch, I'm not to do that if I aim for ever getting better from this depression. Apparently it takes a depressed person about a month to recover from one evening of good drinking... but I'd give so much for rebooting my brains for just one evening. Going crazy, whatever, just getting that lovely feeling of not trying and not caring to keep everything in control, holding all the strings in my hand.
Angst, angst and the thrill of getting back to work.
Guess who's back.