I'm neither for nor against apathy

Was social at work today. Chatted a lot with people. Threw up my meds and the food I ate there. Got to do some welding that has to be done with care. All in all a average day in the life of boring me.

There are days when one just feels like giving up.

Work, work. Seems like that's about all I do nowadays, aside from WoW. Today it was welding time, then did some sanding so boss people wont hurt their fingers at any of the metal parts and then a bit more welding as Emmi taught me how to weld things I haven't managed so far. All in all a nice day. Feeling good after it. Took a shower, went shopping. Now it's time to relax and at some point install a fan on the ceiling, with a little help from stepdaddy. A "busy" day.

And today I was and am still tired. Had to weld some windows in a hurry at work as they were being sold at 10am. After that there were few moments of not having a thing to do. So I went for a break a bit earlier and fell asleep, slept for an hour before waking up and hurrying back to work. I gotta ask co-workers to wake me up tomorrow if I fall asleep again.
Oh well, that's about all I have to say about today. So damn tired.

Ahh, actually to edit and add some more. Today I had the hose for my... well, sort of like a sanding machine that I can't think of a word for... well anyway, I got it's hose breaking as a spark hit it when I was welding, it runs on pressured air, so I removed it from that and taped it down. Then returned to work, only to have it exploding open at anotehr point. So off to the warehouse I went, co-worker had told me that they won't give me a new hose, but will just shorten the one I had, as they'd done that for him. Well I walk in there, toss the thing on the counter and tell them to give me a hose that 'll actually last some sparks and the pressure that runs it. To my surprise I get a new hose, a proper one and when I thank I get the words "There you go, madam". Which sorta made me think I made him miffed, but not as upset as my co-worker was as I got my will but he did not :P
Being able to give orders gives others a high blood pressure, but gives me better gadgets for working. Yay.

Today. Difficult time getting up. Work work. Fell asleep during the first coffee break. Now as I came home I took a nap and just want to get back to sleep. Had to go shopping as Vilppi was throwing up all day yesterday, figured that it might be the adult food I've been feeding them and bought different food. Excitement, eh?

Today has been a bit more eventful than I expected it to be. I actually managed to go to iaido and was completely lost as they had practiced two more katas since I've been there so had to actually think of what I was doing.
After that it's been playing and changing the placing of my computer as I got the new thingie on the right for my scanner and printer and random junk. Thanking stepdaddy for that and the pizza he brought me today.
The other pic there is how I tried to have my stuff before. Not exactly much space for my feet in that. Better now and only had to buy one usb extension cable. I'm feeling fairly good. Now it's time for some coffee and WoW.

Today I welded, tried to make the weld as small as possible just like boss wants it to and I think I made it. Anyway, I was content on what I did.
Now not looking forward to a lonely weekend, I wish my bf was here, but he wont come due to work or something. Gotten so used to having him here. I dunno if I should go visit people instead or just sit here and play WoW. I'll likely just sit and play WoW. Three cheers for no-life

Today was a boring day at work, spent only 3h there due to dentist. 3 hours with nothing to do and the mp3 player not working is murder. Got my ipod now though so that should cure that for tomorrow. Had a chat with the boss about me working there, then left for the dentist. I think that dentist was a sadist. She was doing root canal on me, very painful operation as roots not happy with me. She asked if it hurt, I said yes and she did use that numbing thing, but proceeded to continue the instant, not really giving it a chance to affect things. I'm surprised that my other arm has any bloodflow after I spent an hour squeezing it for my life. One hour of pure self control, got a full body workout when forced myself to stay put instead of running away like I wanted to. Not looking forward to the next visit.
Tomorrow's the last day of work for this week, hoping it goes well. Hoping we have something to do instead of just standing about. It's a pain.

It'd seem that I'm taking this thing way too seriously than I maybe should. Just been trying so hard. Maybe I've worked myself too far. I'm so tired. Sometimes I feel like just giving up.

So, today was another shitty day at work with boss breathing on my neck all the time. Yes, critisism is ok, pretty muchly telling me to find a new job aint. And with the illness or whatever I've got I take those things pretty personal. So thanks alot for ruining my whole day. Tomorrow we'll meet up with the nurse and the boss to discuss matters on how things have gone etc. Not looking forward to it. Really, I try hard and occationally I screw up a little. So does everyone else. And I like my job...

So, today at work was pretty good. I used 15kg of wire when welding. Kept busy and kept the boss happy that way. All in all a pretty good day. When fetching some more wire though I got my boot trapped and tumbled down with 15kg of extra wire for others. I seem to have hit my hand as there's a hard lump in it, my ankle got twisted, but I dunno if it'll get upset or not. And on the other news Savu is still being a pain in the arse, still tries to eat the wallpaper. Now I sprayed the walls with lemon, so will see if that keeps him off it. I hope it does. I'm tired of chasing after a stubborn cat.

This evening I am tired. I have to go to work tomorrow and right now I gotta make a difficult choice on something I rather not have to deal with at all. Makes me very sad and very tired. I guess that's all I can say about the day.

I don't know what's with me again. Taking quick sedatives to get numb. My feelings tell me that I am stupid, that I'm worthless. Why should anyone want to spend time with me when they have their own life. I should not bother people. I'm not worth it. My mind tells me that it's the depression speaking, that I should not listen to such things, I should not feel them, but my whole body does. I want to take enough of the meds to get me in the state where I'd just... be... numb in the warmth, staring at a candle flame. I take two though as should not really take more. I'm still a worthless little shit. No one answers me when I reach out, I guess they're smart not to.

Well, no visit from stepdaddy. Makesm e kinda sad. Not used to not having him visiting me. I see him at work, but it's not the same. can't get a hug or anything. can't seriously chat with so many people around.
Right now I dunno what to do, a friend might be in town, but visiting him would mean drinking.
Missed iaido last week and right now I don't feel like going there tomorrow either. I wonder if working all week has done this.

Woke up around 7am, at about 8am cats started scartching the door to get my attention, managed to still stay in bed another half an hour till I gave up. Trying to enjoy this last week when I've a day free from work, but having something to do right now would rock. Dunno if it'll be a lonely weekend. I'd hate that. I guess I gotta go cycling today to do something "real". I've really started to feel the need of being social. Missing my bf every weekend which is sort of surprising as not have such feelings in a while. He's nice and safe to be around, everything I need and handsome to boot. Oh well, I guess I should think of something to do now. I would almost rather be at work...

How to get rid of a phone sales person of a trashy magazine:
"Hello, you've had some free numbers of our magazine delivered"
"Yes, and I've delivered them straight to the trash bin"
"Oh... Have a nice evening"

That was fun :)

First of all I need to say that I've definedly gotten used to the work routines again. At work I always toss my glasses to my helmet when we have a break. Came home just now and tossed my glasses in to my helmet (yes, I wear a helmet when cycling). Routines catch on quickly.
Today was not all that special. Welding went fine and there was good food to eat. Spent some time pondering on the fact what it's like to work at a shipyard. You don't care of your clothes get messy, a little burn is just a little burn, no need to go overboard with it, if you happen to tear your work clothes you can just throw them in the trash bin or to the one they have for clothes that need washing and someone else will take care of it. Lots of dirt and dust and babbling.
I seem to be missing "stepdaddy". He's at work, but as I weld and am real bad at having breaks I end up not talking with him except maybe in the mornings. I wish he'd visit me tomorrow. Even though work has gone good all in all I need a comforting shoulder to lean on. Things still leave me rather tired.
So far so good with work. Seems that my meds might finally be of the right type. Thumbs up.

Another day at work dealt with. Welded some windows, that was fun. Then as it was my time to leave boss asked me to clean these two walls we'd made (they lie flat on the ground, just so you wont get confused) and while I start cleaning them and getting rather ticked off a co-worker is standing there chatting with someone and not doing a thing. I ended up working rather hard, got that half an hour workout a person needs in a day to keep in shape. Got exhausted, got angry. Then had to cycle home. My legs want to give up on me. Tomorrow still...

So... today was really not a good day, got extremely angry at something that I was welding which did not work out no matter how I tried. Burned my hand. Left for home a bit later than usually and noticed that the rear tire of my bike is flat. Now cats just broke a very important statue of mine. I'm too tired for this shit now.

So, it's monday and another day spent at work. Seemed to go well again, still know how to weld, tomorrow I'll go and weld the classes again so I can actually weld with permission. Had a chat with a co-worker and he knows other people with the same mental illness that I have, he didn't have such a positive view on it due to the lady he knows, but me thinks I'm doing fine, maybe the meds are really biting in. Days go past nicely when I listen to music and weld.
I guess that's all there is to say about the day. Work, work. Cycle back home. Lie down on sofa and get too lazy to move.

Ok. So this was a normal school desk. You know, the kind you study on and read books. I got a little bored and just a tad frustrated and now it's a night stand. Nifty, huh? Didn't think so either... really. :P

Seems I've forgotten to update this, not a surprise, was amazed that I remembered it as long as I did. As mentioned before, week at work was good, survived it. Then spent one and a half days of being nerdy and grinding my WoW character's levels up. Then bf arrived and I haven't much touched the game, seems like real life finally interests me as well. Now preparing for tomorrow. Got myself a hood for cycling not to freeze my face in the mornings. Tomorrow morning it's up bright and early at 5am again to make it to work. I gotta go through the welding tests again as spent such a long time on sick leave. Not sure if I'm nervous about them, don't really feel like it atleast, the teachers there are good and will set the currents correctly for me if I just ask and smile. There are plusses for being a female. I guess I'll know on monday if I need to go there and do it then. Four days of work next week. So far I don't think it'll go badly at all.
Oh, and skipped iaido for the first time since starting as really did not feel like moving at all. Dunno if that's a bad sign. Really like the sport.
Well this is me reporting to no one. Over and out.

Well, second day of work. Got to know that the robot isn't welding the vertical connections at all so spent my day working on those. It's real nice to try and fit you in to a small box so you can weld something above you, which is actually 30cm in the air at tops. Well, I did enjoy it, must admit. And another deal to admit is that my arse _hurts_ after cycling for work and kneeling all day there. In bad shape I am. So more cycling. So far work seems to... well work out. Starting to feel more positive about it.

I lived through the first day at work. Managed to cycle there even and thus naturally back home though. I don't understand how out of shape I've gotten, of course the snow does add a factor to it. Welded this rather difficult spot that had to be polished even as it gets painted over. Managed to waste my whole day on it though it wasn't easy. In the end I went to gossip with people till I could begin my journey home. I guess it wasn't difficult. I'm alive still and all. Will be getting full pay from work, things are looking up. Hoping I'll pull through. Tad tired now.

So I had a friend over here for the night. We wen't to see Memories of a Geisha or how ever that was named in english. Very beautifully made, enjoyed the scenery and lively colors it had at times. Not a all that bad of a story either, the culture facinates me. Now it's time to relax and prepare for work tomorrow. Not stressed yet though I bet I will be as the evening comes. I guess there's not much else to say right now.
I need a nap.

Wah. I need to go to the dentist again as my tooth wont let me sleep. Last time they did not manage to get it numb at all and I'm already preparing for a lot of pain. Sucks. Don't wanna. And they want money for torturing me.

Today I've done quite a lot of sports with my bokken for one day, visited stores and cleaned my apt. My mind is running, trying to chase it's tail as far as I can make out. I'm trying to think of next week, but other stuff keep showing up. More practice. A nap. A visitor. Bf here for next weekend? Could I go get wasted at my ex's place? How the fuck will I survive work? I dunno anything. So I take sedatives and pass out in an hour or so. Making myself addicted to them as I try to keep myself calmn and from cutting myself. Sweet, sweet life. I want a pegleg.

Three more days to face the most difficult question so far. Am I honest with me if Ireturn to work now that they changed it so that I must do a full week. Will I really survive it? I doubt I can. I still would so much like to return there. It's a nice place. I enjoy what I do. I'd also enjoy hiding from the world in my own safe place, without the penquins from Fight Club. I honestly dunno what to do. Been drugging myself with sedatives, that's all I know to do.