I'm neither for nor against apathy

So forgot to type stuff here yesterday. Tuesday evening our guild was raiding Molter Core, so I went with them for the experience and the chance to kiss ass so I'd get to be an actual member of theirs. Didn't get much sleep due to that, as it took rather long. So I went to work, extremely sleepy, had co-worker nagging at me the whole day that I should sleep and he'll come and delete the game if I won't and so. Very motherly of him. At the end of the day I was so exhausted I just felt like fainting. Managed to do my job well anyway, even if asleep.
Today was just another day, got up, got to work.Started welding at a nice spot to do the kind of welding I like. Managed to get the wire stuck in the liner it comes through, but luckily we got it out as well. After food I vent to visit a nurse at work and had a bit of a fight with her. Hope it doesn't affect things too much, but our opinions just did not match. Simple as that. After that I finished my job and left to see this man who's work is to find the proper job and get people in shape that are sick and so. He promised to speak with my boss and we'll do a meeting with the three of us. Will see how that goes. Now I think I'll spend my evening like yesterday. On the sofa, watching X-Files. Not quite feeling like WoW, just going for guild raids and so. I think that's enough. Can't be playing all the time.
Tomorrow's the last workday for the week. I do hope we have something to do. I didn't exactly check the situation as I left. Oh well. It's still friday... And a MC run in the evening.

I was too upset to write anything here yesterday. A lot of trouble at work due to me being unable to work shifts and they're pretty muchly saying that if I won't get myself in shape, I'll get sacked. Unfortunately I don't have such a magic button to press and make myself all better again. Also I was told that I'm not even trying. That was pretty damn annoying. I've returned to work again, I've tried it a lot of times before. I eat drugs that I don't want to eat and got myself a shrink and everything. Yet, I'm not trying. Why are they trying to kill the last bit of interest and strenght I've got?
Well, that was yesterday. Today I woke up at 5am as alarm went off, turned it to ring an hour later and slept some more. Got up at 6am and signed myself in to work at 7am unlike the usual 6:30am. There really wasn't much work to do today, but I did whatever showed up and did all of it. Had to stand at times and boss came to actually order me to work when there was nothing I could work on. That was a tad pissy, really. Then I polished a few places, did some more socialising and left for home. Managed to visit the store on my way home and actually buy some food as well. Really need to start eating, with the physical work I do and the cycling there and back. Right now, I'm tired. Lonely. The usual shit. So there.

So, last day of freedom. Tomorrow I'll go back to work. Just loading some heavy music to my iPod to survive the day and should actually go buy some food for work. Trying to remember what I usually ate.
Extremely scared on returning to work. I didn't get to let anything out this weekend as no walking with friends. So now I've got all the stress bundled up onside me. Not all that happy. On positive news though, the new med lets me sleep without the extra sleep meds again. Feels better that way.
This morning I woke up at 9am. Tomorrow I have to wake up at 5am. I was planning to get my rythm in order before going to work, but it obviously did not work out. Luckily I'm the kind of person whom can just get up when need be. Can always sleep during breaks at work or after work. Mind's just full of work. Sort of sad. I hope people wish me luck on it... I'd really need such.

I woke up at 8am today, feeling like I still wanted to sleep, but my cats noticed that I was awake so I had to get up. Fed them, ate, drank some coffee and went back to bed to sleep for two more hours. Was a tad tired mentally as well from the meds took the previous night. As I quit efexor, I had to take my usual knockout pills and when they started taking effect I took a sleep med as well. So I slept well and as the side effects of the sleep meds said, I was a tad sleepy in the morning (duh).
Had a meeting with shrink at 1pm. Was quite nice, got to speak about work and what I'm afraid of about it and so. After that I went to eat some junk food, bought proper food for pets and went to visit "my" DVD-store and ended up chatting with the owner till he closed the store and gave me a ride home. It's always nice to meet new people. Now I'm thinking about things, but not really in a bad way. All sorts of thoughts going on in my head. For once I think I'll let them stay there. The only disapointment about today is the fact that our planned meeting with friends got postponed till next weekend or so. Would have so wanted to leave the computer for a while.

Scully: Mulder, please just keep reminding him you were drugged.
Mulder: Will you stop that!
Scully: It couldn't hurt.
Mulder: Stop it!
Skinner: Scully? Mulder?
Mulder: I was drugged!

“Maybe it's other people's reactions to us that makes us who we are.”

"A dream is an answer to a question we haven't yet learned how to ask"

"Do you think I'm Spooky?"

Y"a know sometimes it gets hard to smile through it when they ask you to bend down and grab your ankles"

"Anxiety is part of creativity, the need to get something out, the need to be rid of something or to get in touch with something within."

"If the greatest artwork in life is the creation of who you are, then it's good to apprentice to a good therapist."

"One of the nice things about acting is that it allows you to open up to the other people within you."

And I suppose that's enough from Mulder and the actor itself to have made every one of you bored, aside from me myself.

Second day without efexor or any drug to replace it. Doctor tells me that there's no way that quitting that med would make me sleepless, but again I couldn't sleep last night and only this morning figured what it might be due to, as at a previous attempt to quit that med I couldn't sleep either. Just toss and turn in my bed with all sorts of weird things going on in my mind.
Today I'm feeling fairly neutral. Watched two X-Files episodes as I woke up and had to go to the store as milk had once again gone sour. I probably should eat more etcetc.

So, this morning I got up bright and early. Surprisingly not as tired as I expected to be. Took the bus downtown and met with my shrink. Chatted with her about returning to work and so forth. Mostly just smalltalk kind till I took up the subject of my medication. It has not worked at my previous attempts of returning to work. It has not really made a huge difference in my life. I don't clean my apartment, I don't eat. I take care of my cats and that's it. Got her to change one med for me, so feeling maybe a little more hopeful now. Will have to wait and see how it works, probably a month or two before it really starts taking effect. In the meanwhile I'll be trying to rest, keep myself in a shape for work, even if my life at home goes down the drain, which it's already trying, so I'll not lose a thing. Oh well.
"My work here is done, have a nice day"

Haven't written here in ages, or atleast it seems ages to me. Not much has changed in life. Still depressed, still on the same meds that have not helped me before either. Now things change though as I'm going back to work. I have to, in order to get some cash and well, I think I want to return to work. I'm not sure about it though. Been having horrid nightmares about returning and right now I'm just feeling mentally exhausted, yet I don't know why.
I still miss Riku. I wish he'd be mine still, since I truly loved him, which was probably stupid of me. Atleast he contacted me again. Contact is good. Means we'll definedly make it through as friends. Atleast both are willing to work for it.
I'm very tired. Gotta get up early tomorrow morning to see my shrink. Yay. In the afternoon I'll get someone over, which is nice. Someone to cuddle up to. I'm so tired. I hope this works out, I hope I'll have a good future. I occationally fear though, if I can deal with it, if I've got the strenght for it. Everyone says that I do. I don't know about that. Just... Things have always failed when trying to go back with the same meds, same condition I am in and it has not worked...