I'm neither for nor against apathy

Alright, so I've not been really keeping this up to date lately. Mainly because the Burning Crusade came out and I am still a WoW addict, even though I managed to keep a long break from it.
I'm constantly tired, but I don't exactly know why. Even though I play lots, I still get some 8h of sleep, which should be more than enough, really. I managed to talk the doc in to giving me some fast working angst meds, as really want to rather use them than alcohol when I feel really shitty. Now that I can't seem to get any rest, I feel like "abusing" them,but I know better than that.
Well, despite all the WoW and having to deal with paperwork and other real life things, I still know how to relax at times.

Well, angst and whine here. Work tomorrow. Not sure if I'm angsty due to it though. A short day and I can always zombie myself there with music and working too much, too fast.
I see nothing positive in my future. I look at it, try and see it from all aspects and I don't like it. It feels like a duty. A duty to go through. Nothing to look forward to. The next duty to pull through.

Well, Friday was a very bad day for me, was extremely tired, trembling and all the real symptoms of nice angst attack. Had friend visiting me with a Wii along. Was quite fun playing with it, a new and different kind of a machine. Refreshing. Today I walked the friend about the city for her to take some pictures from random locations she might find interesting.
Back home now, my leg has been in pain for two days now. Was hoping that walking will get the bloodflow going and refresh it, but it did not. If still sore by tomorrow, I'll have to visit the hospital. Again. I seem to be running there often lately.
Now is time for me to relax and find out just how hard it's been to spend time with someone. Stepdaddy did have a revelation of something that I should have figured out myself. I have trouble when spending time with people, having to focus on them and all, also have trouble at work when I have to focus on one thing only. I don't seem to have that long of a attention span. I can focus fine for a while, yet after a while I have to start forcing myself to focus and it's really not all that surprising that I get mentally exhausted with such a workout.
Over and out.

Well now, I managed to actually go outside and cycle. Is rather different from the workout bike. Managed to do my duties and visit the store for food on my back from the shipyard. Some waving of my kanata and working on my abs and got my workout done. It's always rather pleasing to manage to do things that are good for one's body. I wish I'll be back in superb shape by summer. Started planning cycling to work each day when I return, yet I can't, or rather wont, till my bus card has expired again. Well. That should be all for today. I'll take over the sofa from the cats now.

Alright. I got rid of them meds completely and now I can walk and talk as well as I was ever able to. Which doesn't really mean much on the talking side. Using normal words is just no fun.
Should cycle to work today to bring them new info on my tax percent so that it can be corrected before monday's pay. Or I think I should cycle. Trying to decide between that and cycling indoors while watching Clockwork Orange.
Life is boring. Not sure if mine has been interesting for a longer while, but still, it's boring. Should start some sport again, but my knee keeps on getting in the way of anything I'd find interesting. Meh and all that. Considering changing my style more than just black hair, could grow it a bit longer maybe. I dunno. Just want some more change in things.

Well, visited the hospital today to see if there'd be something else wrong with me aside from the drugs. They did not find a thing. Asked me to try those meds, that made me so dizzy I walked against walls, again to see if it'd cause the same reaction. Then we'd know if it really is the med that's causing it. Still woozy today. Will have to see how things are tomorrow. If I'm still dizzy. This is just off. Oh well. Life's life.

I feel stupid writing this down. I feel stupid thinking about this. Just listening to some songs now and what I feel is.. I really want Riku back. It's stupid, but I miss him so badly.

Alright. So it's sunday now. I spent yesterday walking to the walls and feeling rather dizzy and tired, but could not sleep. Today seems to be the same thing. I bet it's the new meds kicking in and I was told to stop taking them if something weirdh appens. Is this weird or just a reaction to the amount of meds I eat? Was visiting someone yesterday for coffee and almost dropped everything off the table one at a time as my hands were trembling and so forth. The trembling is a side effect at the beginning of starting this new med. Just don't quite like it. Feeling weird.

So, I'm on sickleave for a while. Hopefully not long, but need rese, so I supopse this is for the best. I don't quite like this, I feel guilty for not being at work after all the trouble I've gone through to work hard and progress.
I got me new meds to eat. Starting off with a "small" amount of 1000mg in the evenings. Joy. I'm thinking that I'm eating way, way too many meds together. Really have to fight with my shrink about this. Five triangle meds should be enough. I can't even work properly with how dizzy and all I get. Shall see how she feels about it.
And here's a link that I just _have_ to show 20cm of snow in Turku
Atleast I got a good laugh about it myself and that definedly is a fake. No way there'd be that much snow here.

Well, I did get something to do for new year after all. Went to Mikko's place first. Chatted with him, drank some and was preparing for a evening with him and his friends. Antti called me then and I went downtown to spend some time there. A nice time chatting and listening. Caught a ride by Silver (apparently that's his real name), Mikko's friend, and we went to see the fireworks. Was great and we picked about the best spot possible. Could feel every explosion and it was beautiful. After that it was back to Perno to Silver's place. Saw their rats and got to pet them and they had a very beautiful orange snake as well. Two non-nerds started installing eyetoy on the computer, took over an hour for them to finish. We melted some tin to check the future and then played the karate game and other things with the eyetoy. In the end, before people started falling asleep, we went to fire some rockets and the longer it took the more rockets we tried to fire at the same time, I think it was four that we managed to fire by using a axe can and a lighter to create a flamethrower. After that it was to Mikko's, talk a lot and pass out before waking up and taking a taxi home.
Now I'm sitting here, feeling a bit off. I'm confused. I'm tired for I have to go to work again, yet I don't know if I truly am tired. Do I wish this? I feel like crying, really, and I do as well before I manage to numb myself again. I'd really really need to go see the nurse I visit every week so she could help me clear my thoughts, but I won't be meeting her till 9th and I'm not sure if I can last that long. I'm not sure of anything. So many feelings going on inside me and I keep trying to block them and I keep acting as I have been constantly, to others and to myself. I'm so confused. I wish someone could help.