I'm neither for nor against apathy

"Studies into clinical depression have yielded similar findings, leading to the development of an intriguing, but still controversial, concept known as depressive realism. This theory puts forward the notion that depressed individuals actually have more realistic perceptions of their own image, importance, and abilities than the average person. While it’s still generally accepted that depressed people can be negatively biased in their interpretation of events and information, depressive realism suggests that they are often merely responding rationally to realities that the average person cheerfully denies."

Had Daddy visiting for a bit longer than usual today. Was a bit silent at first, but we then managed to start speaking about things. Or rather I managed to open my mouth. I have not yet dealt with my feelings on loosing Uuno. I just keep swallowing all those feelings and trying to go on. I can cry, but I won't let it all through. I just hold on to him. Can't loose him. He'll stay in my memories, but I don't want to let him go and fade to those.
I am trying to work on a possible life. Leaving the computer alone most of the time and just doing sports and other smater stuff. I wish I had someone to live with though. Happiest days of my life are something I can't return to. Shouldn't think about the past anyway, no reason living for it when there could be a nice future ahead.
I'm sad now. I do not wish to be alone, but I don't know what the hell else I can do.
Friend was supposed to come and meet me, tomorrow or thursday. Apparently he can't now then. Not met for years now and then this meeting doesn't work out. Makes me rather bitter.

Have felt terribly restless for a few days now. Can't sit by the computer, no interest for it. Can't focus on a book either nor can I just sit on the sofa an watch TV. Unable to take naps. My head is in a bit of a overdrive, even though there's mostly no coherent thoughts there. I suppose it doesn't sound bad, but gods this frustrates me. The only thing that gives me any release is sports and I've been doing so much of it that my left foot is soon so sore as to stop me from walking even.
Today I've managed to gather my thoughts enough to think about things. Mostly about my life. I don't want to spend it by the computer. Yet I don't know what one should do. I don't wish to drink. Visiting bars is really not that much of a option then. Could start a hobby again, but I don't know if I can keep it up. So small of a attention span nowadays. Do wish I'd get to know new people though. Grown apart from some of my old 'friends'. As one often does. Getting invited to birthday parties and all, but I've no interest to seeing them. Only feeling like I should just go to be polite. Which is no reason to go.
Been trying to think of the moments I was happy in my life. Sadly it goes back to the days which I probably can never have anymore. Cycling, rollerblading, Frisbee and playing with the diabolo and chatting at the same with Riku. I think that's been the happiest time of my life. Could spend a whole day just relaxing. I should face the fact that I've lost him though. Makes me feel rather bitter. Life was good. I don't know what to do to get it such again.
I am lonely and somewhat tired. I have no idea what to do with my life, aside from staying alive. I'd like to find myself. Really get to know myself and be what I am. I'm not sure how to do that either.
Friend of mine said that I appear completely different from this blog to what I am in real life. This comes straight from my heart though. All my feelings and all the angst that keeps me from reading any of my posts after I've posted them. I suppose I should find a way to be what I am here, together with what I am with them. At least I feel like I am myself then as well. Been thinking about his words a lot. Quite interesting in a way, as well as confusing. I wish I were smarter.

I finally got the decision from social services that I'll be getting money. I suppose I should cheer as it's a rather important thing, but well. I'll at least manage to go on with eating and such.
I'm rather lonely nowadays. Missing some friendships and all that junk. Got invited to a birthday party at Orimattila again. Doubt I'll go there. Grown so far apart from that place. Nothing there for me anymore. They're not something I'd consider friends. Just people I know. If a friend of mine invited me over, it'd be a different matter all together.
Summer's nearing. Been cycling outdoors and waiting till it'll be ok to start rollerblading again. Not getting as much pleasure out of those things than I've usually done. Dunno why. Feel a bit numb all over.
Been thinking of asking local friends of they're going out and if I could squeeze in, but always decided not to. I should not drink alcohol. I want to. Should not. Relaxing with familiar people around me would be fun though and in my book some alcohol does go in to it. Hell, I don't know how to relax without.
I suppose that's all that's happened lately. So there's no doubt about the fact that my life's nonexistent and thus also rather boring.
I'll just go with the flow.

Ei nyt jaksa kääntää edes ajatuksia toiselle kielelle. Vittu, että ottaa päähän. Teen kaikkeni, metsästän paperit pomolta ja kaiken mahd mitä käsketään, kerään. Työkkärille kelpasi, liitto tahtoo vielä yhden paperin josta eivät maininneet ja jos nyt nopeasti toimitan, niin silti saisin ehkä neljän päivän rahat korkeintaan. Sossussa sanoin, että tarvitsen rahaa _nyt_, niin saan kuulla, että jos täytän paperit ja toimitan niin ehkä kahden viikon päästä käsittelyyn.
Sama mitä teen. Seison päälläni ja jonlöörään samalla, kun tarvii rahaan, niin silti ei tule. Tappelen tätä elämää varten ja en kyllä tiedä miksi. Tämä on täyttä paskaa. Keittää yli pahasti nyt. Miksi helvetissä tässä on ja jatkaa. Inhoan.
Paskaa.

Still haven't gotten the paper from my boss, though, as I called him yesterday, he promised to send it. If I won't get it by tomorrow I'll call and tell him I'll come and fetch it myself. Starting to be annoying.
I was invited to a friend's birthday party in Orimattila next Saturday. I didn't really seem to have any choice on going, with no cash and all that. Now mom has promised to arrange Uuno's ashes away from her apartment so I could sleep over and would give me money. I could go and see old friends, get blasted and it would not cost a thing to me. Suddenly I'm deadly afraid of the whole thing. It was easier to deal with not going, but not having met them in over three years, leaves me afraid somehow. My mind is stressing over the situation. If I should go or not. Mom's expecting me and they're as well. I don't know if I'll dare to go. This fear is just irrational. Thinking about it constantly does not make it more rational.
I feel just nuts at time when I pay attention to my own behaviour. Will speak to the shrink about this fear tomorrow and she'll more than likely tell me that it's my choice to make. Hopefully though she can shed some light on why I'm so afraid.
This is foolish.

This will be something no one cares about, but I found it l337 info on my main WoW character feur.
So that's it for being nerdy. I finally caught one of my bosses on phone and will be receiving the paper I need by mail. Else I would have been calling them every day. Suppose they found that easier. So now I have all the papers I need for the unemployment office and will actually begin receiving some actual cash again and won't have to eat student food all the time.
I'm feeling quite good due to tasks sorted out again. Hopefully for good as I'd have to continue fighting with these this again. I think I've gone though enough problems already. Life should be a bit more friendly at times.
Only thing that feels off right now, is the fact that I'm lonely. I can go alone for a while, but occationally it does get boring and frustrating. I've got WoW. That's not exactly much of a life that I've been working for. Such it goes.