I'm neither for nor against apathy

So, been a while since I wrote here, frankly haven't really had much to say. Vacation is over, spent 3 days out of 5 at work this week. Two on sick leave as getting rather tired mentally for one reason or another. Yesterday I then bought me sticks for skating and started on a over 20km journey to a friend's place, ran out of strenght half way through and by pure will I made the rest of it. Once arriving I was ordered to the shower the instant, given coffee and told that I'm staying for the night. Now it's morning then and here I am typing out this entry and waiting for porridge. Haven't taken my evening or morning meds and feel like an addict without his/her dose. My thoughts are going all over the place, have to keep a leg or a hand or anything moving in order not to blow up. I'm all trembling and twitchy, supposed to go talk to my shrink today and go through how I'm feeling and all. She'll get her load of things with the way I am at the moment... hopefully the sedatives will work before that...
I want someone in my life. I want someone to talk to, someone to cuddle up to and feel safe. Antti's in town again. Wanting to go see him, even though I can't get him to sober up and there'd likely be a moment in the evening when I break up and he gets upset over it. Just wanting human contact, though doubting if I should make others suffer with me.
Funny how things work. Here I am pretty muchly going out of my mind, but the instant these people show up in this computer room I go calm and behave "normally", like a person is supposed to. I shouldn't do that, I don't have to do that here, these people know me, but that part of me is already so automated that even I cannot turn it off. As long as I got strenght I'll act the moment I come face to face with someone... sad really...

And I'm feeling rather like throwing a temper tantrum. Slept well, yet extremely tired, just want to curl up with my blanket and be. Not that there's much else to do here anway. The pollum's getting to me, can ahrdly open my eyes in the mornings, eyes itch constantly and my nose leaks. At the moment I'm feeling like there'd be a lot of better ways to spend one's last week of summer vacation. Have done sports here, seen people. Isn't that enough? Mayhaps I should have just visited them over the weekend and then escaped for the comfort of my own apartment. Not enjoying myself now. Will have to put on some comforting music and just go back to bed again...
Wish I weren't here.

So two days have gone by and I've not written anything about them here though I've meant to, so here we go...
I spent saturday planning to clean my apartment, yet not doing it. Was about to leave for parents' in the evening, but spent my day grinding in WoW instead, so no clean apartment and no leaving for home.
Come sunday morning I got up too late, spent the morning cleaning my apartment, washing dishes, taking out the trash and running to the railway station in order to arrive at a decent hour. Rest of the day was spent rather more pleasant. Mom had cooked my fav food, saw my pets. Neighbour's handsome young man had gotten rid of his ghostly girlfriend so we spent the evening tossing a frizbee, going out for a swim and catching a few drinks. Probably the same program for all evening's to come. He'd be a nice boy to get for one's own, if I hadn't known him since he was born that is and he weren't that much younger than me... Oh well, atleast I can enjoy the sights and the company.
Today I'm to be social again, gonna make me something to eat and then off to visit a few people I still know in this town. Not really feeling up to it, hardly slept last night, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Trying to think positive, trying to keep my chin up. It doesn't quite work when all I do is try instead of simply doing it. Mayhaps someday

I woke up to a phonecall from a friend of mine saying that he's behind the door and wondering if I'd appreciate some company. Got up, let him in and pretty muchly ended up sleeping cuddled up to him while he babbled about everything and nothing. Said he came over since of the message I sent last night, being tired and unable to sleep. Whatever reason he did show up it was rather nice of him, appreciate such little moments of calm, even though they're also painful, since such occations come rarely.
Rest of the day I've gone around in zombie mode, half asleep, half awake. Been playing on my computer, getting upset as tired and so forth. Not a bad day, despite some bad spells during it I've now managed to put my mind on neutral, no angst, just tired and pretty muchly not caring that much on things. Almost positive in a slightly twisted way.
Tomorrow it's time to clean the place and travel home for a week. This is supposed to be a vacation, yet I'm to go meet people I've been avoiding and relatives I've been avoiding who'll question me on whom I'm dating and "omigosh" why aren't I dating. This'll be fun. Yay.
Now for some sleep. Plenty of sleep while listening to the drunken people fight outside my window.

Why is it that I always surround myself with the most depressing things when I'm already feeling down anyway? Right now I'm feeling rather miserable and mentally exhausted so I listening to Pink Floyd in order to... who knows.
Had a great time yesterday, met new people and generally acted social for once in my vacation. Don't know how it makes me so tired though. Every time I meet new people or have to spent more time around others I get worn down and all my mental walls collapse. Right now I feel so bad I could simply curl up with my blanket and whimper. And it's all because I had a nice time yesterday?
I'm tired and when I'm tired I think too much. Wish I had someone I could feel safe with, "cozy and warm" as Pink sings it. It'd not make my life much more meaningful to me, but I'd have someone to share it with...
Sharing my life with me is getting tedious...