I'm neither for nor against apathy

So I've been silent for some time, I could like and say that I've been thinking and doing important things, but basically what I've done is sit 14 or even 16h on the computer, grinding levels in WoW.
This morning I visited the nurse that has some special education in psychology or something. Second visit to her as I forgot the one that was meant to be last week, since I was grinding in WoW. She managed to make me think and poked at some really rather painful spots, it'd seem, as I had to spend half of the time swallowing and fighting back my feelings. Was talented of her and stupid of me to keep it all down, atleast could have said something.
I knew that stepdaddy would visit in the afternoon, so was hoping that I could unwind and speak to him instead, cry, do whatever is needed, but I just sat there, chatting of insignificant junk. I'd rather have needed to curl up close to someone safe and cry. He was there, but I couldn't.
The topic os from an X-Files episode I just watched, spoken by a man whom they claim has the same illness as me, but make it look all wrong, still, that's the way I feel at times. Also there's a mention of him stopping his meds since "they cloud my mind". I feel the same, though it's not my mind, it's my feelings. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. I'm supposed to open up and let my feelings run free, while I heat medicine to keep them in hold.
Again I'm just typing, rambling about anything that happens to pop in my mind. I should do this when he next visits, just open my mouth and speak, not think about a thing, just let it all flow out. He's not gonna visit for a while though as it's summer vacation coming up and they'll go sailing with his wife and on vacation he can't exactly visit me without his wife going up the walls. Why are the extremely religious always so batshit insane? I wish he could visit, I wish I would have opened up. I dunno even why I still bother calling him stepdaddy, really, he's more a father than my own one is. He is my father, has been for over a year. Kept me safe and listened to my idiocy when I'm down and stories when I feel better.
And after all this I just wanna be held by someone dear to me. Him, Riku, a friend. Gods I miss Riku, I wish having him by my side as I sleep. On the sofa, watching a movie together.
I'm so tired and it feels like there's no one there. No one I could lean on to for support when I'm running out of strenght myself. I wish I had a pegleg.

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I've no one to spend time with. No friends as such. I feel like crying.

I've not written here for a while, I think. Been playing WoW. Got my tooth fixed. Knee's been upset a few days. Not very nice of it. I've not really been doing a thing, that includes eating. Just not in the mood or so, feeling some apathy in the air. I've tried contacting Riku, but he won't answer, which is funny since he was the one worrying if we could stay friends still. Starting to feel a bit worried about him. Well.. life's life. Now it's time for some yummy icecream and more reading Lovecraft since the blizzard downloader doesn't want to work. Woot at a nerd.

I slept more than 12h last night. Fucking tired still, but I guess it's the mental side of me. Was invited to go over to some "friends" to cope and not think about things, but that's about the last thing I want now,people around me that don't exactly care for me.
Went to buy a new outer tire for my bike that isn't so worn down. So far had thought that my knee just gets limp as I walk to the kitchen, but no, it's actually rather busted since cycling was pain and getting onto the bike and off it is just painful. Should now replace the tire. Oh, and found out there's a faster way of removing my rear tire than actually opening the breaks by hand, there's this catchy little hook thingie that you can pull back and get the breaks released, then open the quick lock and your tire's free. All the things one learns.
I'm not feeling much else than tired, blocking my emotions again has have the strenght after a night of sleeping a lot. Blocking isn't a healthy way of dealing things, but I don't know what else to do. Bawling all day yesterday did not help any. I'm just numb now and will continue keeping myself numb for as long as I don't run out of those quick working meds.
I'd get to go to a big party on midsummer. I kinda want to, but then again not. People will be getting blasted and I can't and should not do that. Got blasted this thursday evenin, that should last for a month atleast now. Heh.
I wish I had a pegleg.

Went out for a walk with Antti and Karri. Which naturally meant alcohol. We went to some quarry and started a comfy little fire, which ended up a bit bigger as time passed. Ate sausages, drank and spoke. I cried a lot, then pulled myself together and cried again. So much fun this is. I did enjoy part of the evening. It was good for me, in it's own way. At some point I was ready to run away though. Too many sore spots being poked at. Not much sleep during the night without meds. Took morning meds, then had to take more to stop the shaking for not taking the evening meds. Ate pizza. Now I feel quite much better physically. Tired as fuck though and no idea what to do with my life. I was really dreaming of a life with him. Why the hell was I so stupid? Part of me wonders if it was because I didn't put out. Heh, was starting to go in to that mood as well, since I trust him. Trust still. Fucking love him. I dunno what to do... But... some lighter moments of last night
Food
Mine warmed up faster (it's the sausage).

Me andRiku broke up then. Been waiting for this as he's felt so distant. Broke up in mutual understanding, I don't want to lose his friendship, but this shit really hurts. Not been in this much pain ever before. I miss him still and want him. Going to take quite some time for me to get over this. I don't feel good at all.

Visited work yesterday now and my money situation is stable again. One less thing to stress about. Was rather relieved after that yesterday and did get some 30km of cycling done and burned my skin so it was a fairly ok day.
Today I was going to cycle downtown, but my bike's tired was, once again, flat and broken. I'm pretty sure my cats'll sure know how to change and fix a tire if this keeps up. Starting to get really fed up with the constant repairs. Well, now it's fixed, I hope. Will have to check it tomorrow morning as should visit dentist and work.
Wishing I could visit my bf, but I guess I can't for the while. With getting the money though I did ask him if he's going to have a weekend off at any point, also asked a friend of mine if I can go visit him as we've been planning that for a while. No answers yet from either one of them, but they're at work, so shouldn't wonder about it.
And now it's time for me to go skate some to try and get used to my new skates...

Me and Savu are fixing a laptop... I had people over for the weekend as previous post might tell, and that's that as I don't want to become homicidal. I even woke up to a nightmare that they decided to stay for a third day as "we're not in a hurry anywhere". Horrid *shiver*. Anyway, did some tweaking on a sloooow laptop. Atleast Savu was there to entertain me. And today's a day when I should visit work with one note. It's a nice and warm day outside, so I should enjoy cycling. Still, I don't feel like doing a fucking thing. Just sorta numb when it comes to trying to fix things in my life. Pointless. 

So, apart from the ibvious dirt and other things, see the difference? mine are on the left, bought some 10 years ago, "friend's" are on the right, bought some 5 years ago and used about once? See how the shoe design changes from the same company? Those are only 0.5 size smaller than of mine, but it seems like a lot more. The owner of the newer skates doesn't skate nor has really skated with those, so now they're mine even though I mostly just needed "spare parts". Which I did need, but anyhow. 

I'm tired. Tired and feeling like there'd be an intruder on my territory due to that childhood "friend" being here. Luckily she didn't go out to drink this evening and did not show up at night, but instead slept elsewhere.
Also I miss my boyfriend. Wishin I could spend more time with him, but due to financial problems he can't visit and nor can I. I wish I knew what the future holds. On everything. Worried about my own financial future and worried as I'm not worried enough. My mind's mostly empty though I should be trying and fighting to set thigns ok. I just can't be buggered to. I'm tired. I dunno if there's much more to say.

I've someone visiting from the city I used to live in. It's usually considered polite and the correct behaviour to be nice to people, but gods. Karaoke bars and loud music so you have to shout to people to get yourself heard? That's not my thing. Got so pissed off by the end of the night that just told them that I'm taking a cab home, have fun. I guess I got home before 3am, so I actually managed to stand them a lot longer than I usually would. Being sober amongst drunks aint fun. And they'll stay for another night and go drinking in the evening. I don't want them to stay at my place, but what can I do? I wish I was ruder so I could just toss them out of the window or something.
I'm tired now and tiacked off. A nerd should not have to be forced to this. Atleast the cats were like little angels when I got home. They seem to miss me when I go. It's nice. SOmeone actually missing me, even if it's just a furry little devil.

Ok. So haven't posted lately or have I? Dunno. Today I was to call the fat shrink lady, but she didn't answer the phone so I went "well fuck that" and took a shower. Been reading this story or a kind of a explanation,theory thingie of the Silent Hill mythos. Enough of reading, there's a lot to it, and you start to feel like losing your mind as well. And the writer seems like he's been hitting the bong on some of his theories.
Found out that hubby can't visit for a while... a long while. Damn disapointed as miss him a lot, and such feelings are weird to me. I never felt like this towards any other bfs. I guess I'll have to live with it... not much I can do with my limited funds to help him.
Going to have two annoying people visint me sat-su. That's nice... I dunno why I never tell these people to fuck off, but instead seem to collect them about me like some crazy people collect garden gnomes. And guess what? Bored, no one talking in IRC, a needle and a keyboard http://www.scalehaven.com/feur/Keyboard.JPG Woot!
Well, this story is not something you probably want to hear, but.. I was sitting on the can and brushing my teeth at the same time (yes, I do that), my stomach is rather upset. So he's there, in front of me, on top of the washing machine and making a face at the toothpaste smell, then he catches the ... other scent. A look of pure bafflement on his face and I start laughing, snorting toothpaste from my nose. :P And they say cats can't make different expressions. Hah.

After visiting the store I made a carefully considered decision and decided not to go to iaido, the fact I based this decision on was that I could hardly walk up and down the stairs. Now it's a actually sunny morning outside, even if the fact that it's raining in WoW does confuse me and doesn't quite compute with my brain. My legs aint that sore, i could go for a longer ride today since the next iaido practice, held at a reasonable hour, will be next sunday.
I guess I'll update this later on again, seems like it's the habit I've taken up with. Now it's time for my morning coffee and maybe just a few hours more of sleep... or WoW... a grinder like me can almost do both at the same time.

Didn't really get much sleep now, even as took the new meds doc had told me to. This morning I then got the meds I stopped using about a week ago and now I'm getting extremely tired. To me that's proof that it has to do with that, but will have to see. I do know that the bed is calling for me.
There's be iaido again today, but my legs are sore from sunday already, and yesterday's biking. So not sure if to go. Feeling a bit fluish also. Would like to go though. It's fun and they've got a real tatami and I can do ukemis and shit after practice. Will see what my feet say after a nap.

So. Got my bike fixed, got some parts for it for free from one store. Went for a ride afterwards so my legs will be more sore for tomorrow's iaido. Just got told off by someone I do consider a friend. I dunno if I should return the favor or just stay silent. Rather hurt. A lot actually, but.

So. Visited the doc. Was rather angry at them for stupid questions they asked. Will likely stya angry at them anyway since every doc I've had has sucked.
Evening meds doubled with sleeping meds to go with them so I might sleep. Not really about to take them that much. No way. Eating enough meds already. More like a druggie or an alc than anything.

Stepdaddy was to bring me his daughter's bike for loan this morning before he goes to work. he was also meant to drop the keys in from the mailslot... Instead he rings the doorbell and asks for the numbers on my bike's tire... at six am when I've been unable to sleep for over a week. I guess it was a tad too early in the morning for him to T-H-I-N-K. I am still tired, still fucking angry and not the least bit interested to go see the fucking doctor. And I have to drive a bleeding women's bike. Those things are horrid for moving about. I guess I might as well not go.

Well. I didn't really want to get up by the time my alarm went off, since I hardly slept, again. Managed to get up and go practice. Tested some iaitos and now ordered my own to practice with. Else this day has been like the rest, atleast 5 holes in my rear tire, no fucking shops open for food and stuff to put in the kittie's litter box, no shops for inner tires. I am fucking tired. I've a doctor's meeting tomorrow, but no way to go there, but the fucking bus. That I will not take. So I'll just call them and say tata, I'm too angry and tired. Fucking life. Should just end.

Well. I didn't really want to get up by the time my alarm went off, since I hardly slept, again. Managed to get up and go practice. Tested some iaitos and now ordered my own to practice with. Else this day has been like the rest, atleast 5 holes in my rear tire, no fucking shops open for food and stuff to put in the kittie's litter box, no shops for inner tires. I am fucking tired. I've a doctor's meeting tomorrow, but no way to go there, but the fucking bus. That I will not take. So I'll just call them and say tata, I'm too angry and tired. Fucking life. Should just end.

So.. I rollerblade to town to cash in my 50e at the DVD store and fetch my hakama. I get there two hours early for the hakama. Choose 6 movies, so that's the good part.
They're tearing up the streets in the city, ergo I fell two times and my knee is in pain. Hope it broke or something. One asshole _knew_ that the road is for him and him only and tried to force me off the road, gave him the finger and stopped in case he turns around. I really wish he would have. Could have given him some nice pointers on being polite and how I'm sure as hell not going to be polite to assholes.
I should eat, but who fucking cares.

Well I've been drinking sicne half two am or so. Just threw up most of what was inside my stomach. Got a call from my fav DVD store that I'd won the 50e card for it so I can buy anything I want with that cash. That's cool.
I think... with the way I think I'm going to be onne fucking idiot for the rest of my life. I claim I want help, then I just... remain myself. Keep people at a distance, even those that I want to help me. I'm nto very smart... rather stupid in fact. Fuck this.

I woke up about an hour ago. Way too little sleep. Way too tired. Back to bed and hope the cats let me rest.