I'm neither for nor against apathy

I haven't really written here for a while. There really hasn't been much to write about. I got back to work officially, will start getting pay and all. Been a good girl, it seems. I'm lonely. Still being stupid and missing Riku. That's about all. Life's life.

Today, when travelling home I actually had a plan on what to write here, a amusing story of something that happened during the day. For the life of me I can't remember anything interesting happening anymore. It was freezing, we had nothing to do, so I sat around playing solitaire with my phone. Finally got something to do and rushed to it, warmth and something to kill the boredom with. I am tired. I think I caught cold. Thank gods tomorrow's friday.
Bed time.

There wasn't all that much to do at work today. Welded some in the morning, then stood about and I collected some junk metal off the floor so it'd seem like I'm doing something. Me and Emmi made these hooks to hang these lights, that you can take inside the tunnels we occationally get, so that they'd not be in the way. Then it was boredom again. So, seeing that there was no welding to be done and all the robot operators had been lazy I started lifting the robot's wire boxes in to the warmed closet they belong to. Lifting over 25 boxes that weight 20kg was a good workout in itself. After that we did finally get something to do, got to eat the cake we were promised and then continued working. All in all it wasn't all that bad of a day. Somewhat uneventful. I guess those are quite ok as a whole.
Got home and sorted out my closets where my clothes are, now I can actually find what I want instead of having to dig through every place. Also filled the trunk in the livingroom with bedclothes, so they're easy to get to as well. Tomorrow I plan to get some order in to my bookshelf. Keeping myself busy at home as well keeps my mind from wandering and well, keeps me away from this bleeping computer. So now it's time to go fill this diary I've been meant to fill, but haven't really cared about. They'll be wanting a look at it at work soon, gotta make up stories on what I've done.

Not much to say about the last two days. Been feeling very tired, so working hard to keep feelings in check. Been running out of things to do both days as we've all worked rather hard, but apparently it pays off as we're given coffee and cake and so forth for a good job. I dunno what we've actually done to deserve it, but I don't mind.
On monday I got my chest to my apt with the help of Daddy. Vacuumed my livingroom carpet and put it there. Was wondering why there's not that much room there, but finally understood that my sofa's spread as a bed, so transforming it back to a sofa helped a lot. Daddy designed a way for me to get a "old" lock to keep the trunk shut.
He got in to trouble with his wife as he went and mentioned that he's helping me with the chest and the previous week he visited and put up the cat climbing thingie he made. She's just insane. Has really ticked off at him again. I really do not want to cause problems there.
Oh well, not much I can do about her. So I'll wait for tomorrow and cake and do my job like a good little slave. Apparently it's working out as well, since each time the people helping me deal with all the paperwork and such ask him how I'm doing and he says that I'm doing just fine. So... I dunno what to think of the situation. Best not to think at all. Good plan for the rest of the week. No thinking.

I think I'm starting to hate the internet. It makes me so lonely. There are people here that I can speak with, but I'm still stuck alone in front of the monitor. It's not life, it's not really like I'm truly airing my feelings. I'm alone here and the thoughts keep on running about my mind. I type them here and to others, but it doesn't help one bit. I'd like a life, a real one, I miss Riku, I wish I'd be social. It'd help if I actually be social instead of being the silent person I am. I guess the one thing good about teh great interweb is that it's easier to shop. That's about it. I've wasted 10 years of my life in this. How sad is that?

Yesterday I found the kind of trunk I want as a table in the livingroom and got it bought, just need to get it homesomehow, Daddy promised to help. Got rid of my father around 2pm yesterday, then I got ready and went for sauna at Daddy's and stayed over the night.
Been extremely manic lately, lots of energy in my body, but I've felt down. One annoying combination. Today I can sense that I'm running out of energy, just in bed, trying to sleep to escape my life and my mood is has far down as it can go. I'm going to go to work tomorrow again, when I don't feel like I can, but I must show them that I can.
Feeling like I wouldn't have had any rest this weekend. Sad and so tired. I really wish I'd not be like this. Hate myself once again. Tired and so fucking lonely. No real wish to actually live a life, even though I do try, but... Feeling like this won't work out, but it always goes like this after a few days of adrenalin rushes. I'm so bleeding tired.

Ok. So I suppose I can atleast keep this updating somewhat weekly, though I do meant to do this daily, yet, meh, that's how it goes, I guess.
This morning I woke up to the alarm, next I woke up with my phone on my face as Daddy sent a sms, then I woke up to another sms while I was sleeping at the table and in the bus I got woken up by this man that's been sitting next to me as I've gone to work this week. He poked me in the ribs to wake me and told me that I'm getting off the bus there. Kind of him.
At work, there was absolutely nothing to do and it was freezing. I visited the work hospital to take some notes from doc that I've been there instead of just being away yaddayadda. Ulla, the nurse that I'm always in contact with, told me that I should prove that I can stay the whole week at work by staying there, stading and freezing for 8½h. How am I showing that I'm keen of work by standing and doing nothing for the whole day? Asked my boss for possible work he could provide, there was none, he suggested cleaning, but I'm not going to clean the place while others just stand there, I'm not the cleaning lady, done it too many times. After that decision I asked my boss if I can take a day off from that reserve that one gets in a year and it was ok by him as there was nothing to do.
At home I slept, actually ate and slept some more. My real father is visiting me here now, he's been very tired and just been watching TV with him mostly, though did go and buy us some pizza. I've been manic all day long or rather not me, but my body. My mind's tired. I've also been trying to hide the horrid restlesness from father, for who knows what reason. So I've been sitting down, walking to the computer to answer in IRC, making or drinking coffee, sitting in the livingroom wit him and repeating this same cycle in different order for the whole fucking day, yet my body doesn't calm down.
Oh, I did do something else as well, the new climbing thingie Daddy made for the cats is very nice and useful, I was teasing Savu as he was on it, got him to play and all, was cute and was a way to keep my restlesness in check, somewhat. So both me and the cat got something out of it.
Now father's gone to bed and I think I should too, soon will anyway due to meds. Tomorrow we'll go shopping for a trunk that'd work as my livingroom table. I'm not all that keen on tomorrow, not keen on father being here... Should also decide if I'm going to go for sauna tomorrow or not. I would like to, but they have a visitor over and strangers might bite as far as I'm concerned. Anyway. Sleepy sleep and hope that my body begins to believe the orders I give it.
Meh, I say.

Alright, so I spent the last week being sick with flu and fever, which I never tend to get, the fever, that is. I suppose I spent some time thinking of my life, what I should do and what I'm doing. Not all that certain of it as with fever I also spent most of my time staring at the shopping channel. So no clear thoughts, really.
Last week's friday I went out with co-workers, free alcohol etc. Was nice, relaxed. Not anything like I feared. Though then again I tend to worry alot anyway, for things that are not worth the worrying.
Today, I was to go to work, but slept through the alarm and I don't really feel guilty at all, though I probably should. Now at a friend's place, I dunno if I forced myself here or not, but just did not feel like spending another evening being a nerd.
I was supposed to have Daddy visiting me, but his wife was in town so it was a no-show. I can openly admit that I was disapointed, but, oh well, not like he can help it, really. Just would have wanted someone safe to curl up against. My co-worker said that I seem to have taken Pentti as a father figure. Well duh. From the first time we were in contact I told him that I need a father. So he knows it, I know it and his wife thinks he's cheating on her with me. Joy.
Over and out.