I'm neither for nor against apathy

Just as I thought it might be ok, planned to work hard and good till the next vacation I crash and the doc gives me a week's sick leave at the least. I hate myself. Can't understand why I can't cope with life. I do try... Why doesn't it seem to matter that I make an efford for real? I'm so lonely and tired...

So two workdays behind this week. I've done good, I think. Was at a fairly positive mood when I left work today, stayed positive when at home, shopped and all and now I'm starting to run out of energy. No idea why this has to happen. I do cycle to work and all, going to go and do some sports with one person this week again so it shouldn't be about sports and I think I've eaten quite well for a couple of days now. Still get exhausted mentally. Just would love to sleep for the next 11h, go to work and return home and simply sleep. It'd be lovely.

Spent last night getting drunk and upset. Now done heavy thinking as not gotten much sleep. Was rather unpolite to a very important person at night and likely caused some trouble for him again. I care for him and I can't understand why I make him go through so much shit each time I get down. Can't see why I should hurt a loved friend, so I've decided to stop contact with him, even though it's a very painful decision to me, I just can't bear the thought of constantly hurting someone due to my depression. It just isn't a good enough reason.

So the week is nearly over, one more day and it's weekend. Done a lot of welding this week and it's all actually gone rather very good, which has surprised me. We got a new trainee at the robot and I'm taking quite some enjoyment out of seeing him so nervous when I'm telling him to push buttons, it's not like the robot would bite him. This guy likes Kummeli, a very bad finnish humour show, so I've no high hopes of him and rather would not work in the same shift with him, that's for sure. The other new person, our smith, is a different case though. The prettiest brown eyes I've ever seen, makes me drool over the guy, yet I hope it aint too obvious. Not really bad looking in other ways either. A pleasant change from all the beer bellied balding men.
All in all I suppose it's not been a bad week. I _am_ rather tired after work, but I feel accomplished for what I've managed there. Not really looking forward to a weekend alone again though, but I guess it can't be helped.

Oooh yea, and at another note, I got/had to weld some round windows at work, never done anything like that before and actually managed to make it look real good, even if I do say so myself, _and_ I did not break the glass by overheating the metal that holds it. Woot.

First day at work today after a while, wasn't very easy, had a few moments when I really had to fight to pull myself to gether again, but I managed to weld well for what I did and I suppose that's the important thing.
Not quite sure what to do with my life, want to get myself sorted out before I apply for schools again, but then again I don't seem to manage it at work, somehow just gathering way too much stress. Perhaps I try too hard. Others dont seem to care what they do, just pretend to be busy. Should learn to give me a break as well, I guess. Not something that comes natural to me.
I'm tired and lonely. Nothing changes even though I battle for it. I dunno.

So... A friend was to come visit me, he won't. I asked the little other friends I got to come, they won't. Fuck this.

So yesterday was one of the "feeling low" days again, didn't help that I had to get up early to see my shrink and got hardly any sleep. Did plenty of thinking of my life and what I feel I'm missing in it. A boyfriend, someone to share my life with, would be nice. Some people that I'd actually like as friends. Dunno what happened to all of those I spent the evenings at when I was younger, most of them gone and disappeared now. I guess that's how it goes.
Decided to go to work next week then though likely would have gotten myself some more sick leave, feeling rather that I'm a very bad employee for not being there, feeling like I should give it 100% no matter what. Shall see how long I can stay there this time, will of course aim for being able to work till next vacation. Hopefully. Can't understand how I can make things this hard for myself...

I had my alarm on some two and a half hours ago and finally got up now, which means I got some 12h of sleep after watching the X-Files last night. Feeling a lot better today than yesterday, which was mostly spent feeling sick, being unable to sleep or focus on anything. My greatest task yesterday was to make it home from my workout without fainting. For a moment I even considered calling the ambulance, felt so ill. Today seems better so far, I don't need to go shop, but might to walk around downtown anyway not to spend the whole day staring at these walls and the computer. Got some tortillas and veggie mix left for eating still, yet I think I might want something else today, 4 days of that gets boring. Oh well, ready to go out I guess. Mayhaps today won't be as bad.

Home sweet home. Had a nice time visiting people, but also extremely nice to return home. When making my way to my apartment from the train station I couldn't help but marvel how good it feels to return to this city, never felt that way when living elsewhere. This is a pleasant place to return to. It feels like home. A home I shall now take a nap in...

So I've actually now spent two whole days being somewhat social and whining for some more people to meet and am starting to wonder if I should just go for home now or try one more day and one more person. Doesn't sound like that much of a task, but right now it feels like it'd be demanding a lot, even if the person is a good friend. The only thing I could whine about at the moment is the fact that none of these guys want to go with me to the local funfair. Gods they are boring. Visited it every year and would like to this one as well, but don't seem to be getting the company for it. No fun. I shall pout some more to the person I'll meet today and see if that'd work...

So a fairly nice and busy day for me, despite how it seemed in the morning. Managed to arrange a meeting for tomorrow with a old boyfriend, will spend atleast a night at his place _and_ meet other people I know from the city at the same. Something to look forward to and be slightly afraid of. I wonder why I should be nervous of meeting people whom I've known for quite a while, one that I dated for two years or so. They know me already, yet I stress on the meeting and having to actually interact in this real life of ours. And aside of actually arranging (=forcing him to) that meeting I visited work, got sick leave explained to boss and had a visitor here whom worked as my comfy pillow for a while and bought me icecream, which is a plus always. And we won in BG in WoW, not that anyone cares, but it was great never the less.
Feeling almost positive for once.

And I'm supposed to go meet my boss and give him some nice papers on my sick leave, which will once again result in a lot of uncomfortable silence. Wish I knew what he's thinking of me, for all the times I've been away lately. I'd love to be a good employee and work hard and so forth, but it doesn't seem like I've the strenght for it yet. Makes me feel guilty just to go to the workplace and not stay and do my best. Shouldn't be a perfectionist when it comes to my job, but I just can't help it.
The problem I was whining on last night is still there, I want my friends over. I want to have a real friend to chat with or even just have one close. I don't even require speaking at the moment, just a presense. One is avoiding giving me an answer, saying he'll look in to it, others are at work, the only one I could go and meet would likely be drunken through it all, yet he's the only one I could get some actual contact to.
Choices.

Another visit with the shrink. Some more sick leave and finally different drugs since the previous ones haven't done shit in the last four months I've been eating them. Now I've plenty of time on my hands, been rollerblading lots and playing WoW and yearning for human contact that I can't seem to get. Asking my real life friends if they could come over, that I'd really need them to come over and no one can. I suppose they're still my friends though, they've work and other duties and who'd want to be around me anyway when I'm breaking down?
Atleast I'll stay in shape with all this free time and sporting...